Mello's ABC's2
by schoolgirl-cheesesculpture
Summary: Now with twice the ranting goodness! Written by schoolgirl-cheesesculpture and whitetyger123. Please R&R! Next, Dinosaur, Dialga and Dramatic!
1. Azygous, Apple and Afro

"**A²****"**

**Disclaimer: We own DeathNote. Yes, in our dreams. Maybe this **_**is**_** our dream... if it is, then what are you doing here? Also, what are Matt, Mello and Near doing in my bedroom?**

**A/N: So, yes, this is the second Mello's ABC's. But, it's all right if you haven't read the first one. All you have to know is that they are in Wammy house, and Mello is really random. Also, if you want to read the first one, it's on whitetyger123's account. Now, with no further ado, bring on the hilariousness!**

Matt came running into Nears room, breathing heavily. He sat down on the bed to catch his breath. 'Ea... ear... ear...'

Near tried to understand the red-head sitting on his bed, but to no avail.

'Ear plugs.' He finally managed to cough out. 'He's... starting again.'

Nears eyes went wide. 'Oh no...'

Any doubt about the meaning of that dark sentence was washed from Nears mind as Mello walked in, black leather and all. 'Matt! Where did you go? I haven't finished telling you about my story... Near! Now I can tell you, too!'

'Actually, I must get going. I... have class.'

Mello's eyes shrank to slits. 'On a Saturday?' Near was too slow coming up with another lie, so Mello moved him and Matt farther into the room. 'So, I was halfway through my story, but since you didn't hear it, Near, I will start over. So, while I was in the common room, I decided to talk to the girl beside me. So, when I politely tried to make conversation, she said that I was azygous. I don't actually know what it means, but it sounds cool. But, since I am hot, cool, and perfect, I'm sure it means something along those lines… So I was like...'

Near, in order to hear a different voice, said, 'It means not one of a pair; having no mate; odd.'

'You lie. It means hot, confident, and ruler of the world.'

'No.'

'What, do you read a dictionary for fun, or something?'

'Yes, because unlike you, I can keep more things in my mind then the seasons new black outfits, and remember it for longer then a gold fish.'

'Well, I will change the meaning of it to suit my purposes. So, from now on, Azygous means hot and sexy. In the dictionary, there will just be a picture of me. And, maybe an apple. A caramel apple. But instead of caramel, it will be covered with chocolate. Ya, I think that will be good. Do you know that Shinigami like apples? I mean, apples aren't _as_ great as me, but they're not bad. I wonder if they have black...'

His attention was stolen by someone walking past the door. 'That guy had an afro!' He then proceeded to follow the man. Leaving Matt and Near to frantically look for ear plugs. Not running was the biggest mistake of the afro guy's life. 'You have an afro! Do you use a lot of conditioner? Do you tease it, or does it just do that? You know, there is a guy named Aizawa. He has an afro. But then he cut it. Do you feel sorry for people sitting behind you in the movie theater? When you get your height measured, do you add your hair?'

The man with the fro blinked. 'Do you want an afro or something?'

'What? No, I love my hair.'

'Oh. Well, then to answer your questions; yes; no, it just does that; sometimes; and I don't get measured that often.'

Well, the man had to have _some_ reason that he was in Wammy house.


	2. Bamboozled, Bazooka and Banana

"B2"

"**B****2****"**

**Disclaimer: Death Note belongith not to us. Also, if we owned care bears, I think we would killith ourselves. **

**Ok, most of this was written when I was sick, so it might not make a lot of sense. But, since when does any of this make any sense?**

Mello wasn't as good at math as Near. Obvious, but it needed mentioning nevertheless. But, because he _wanted_ to be as good as Near, he took the same class as he did. A poor choice, all things considered.

'You seem bamboozled.' Near said as he came up to the blond. Under normal circumstances, he never would have made such a bold move, but he had remembered too late that the alphabet had been started just two days ago.

'No, I am not bamboozled.' He lied. 'But, I wish I _was_ bamboozled, because that would be awesome. It's such a cool word. It's so much better then confused, puzzled, bewildered or baffled. But, it might not beat perplexed. But, since bamboozled has an M in it, it automatically wins. Perplexed has no M at all. But it has an L... But so does bamboozled.'

Near totally ignored him. 'So, you take X and put it...'

'You know what sounds like bamboozled? Bazooka. Hehe, those care bears didn't stand a chance. I was like all bazooka up in their face. They were like "Nooooo! It's Mello! With a bazooka!" And I was all like, "Take that care bears!" Then it was all BAM BAM and then I left, because I didn't want to be held responsible. Good times. With a bazooka. I should get another bazooka, because then I would have two bazookas. Two would be better than one. You know what would be even better than two bazookas? _Three bazookas!_'

'And then you take B...'

'Hehe, B. But, as I was saying, I was playing this Donkey Kong game with Matt, and we were racing, and I kept slipping on banana peels. It was totally annoying. One minute you're cruising along, winning the game...' Near looked at him. 'Ok, maybe not winning, but putting up a fair fight. But, then you're spinning and turning, and flipping, and then you see the banana peel. So, you get all angry at the banana peel, and go to take out your bazooka, but realize that it's a kid's game and you don't have a bazooka. So, then you realize that you're in a big vehicle, and if you want to kill the banana peel you just have to run it over. So then you run it over, and it makes you spin again!'

'And then you're finished the question.' Near said tonelessly.

'Wait, what?'

Near walked back to his seat, totally ignoring Mello as he looked over the question again, still as confused as when he started.

'But I still don't understand it!'

'Your problem, not mine.'


	3. Crackers, Candy and Canary

"C2"

"**C****2****"**

**Disclaimer: Can't copy cool copywrited creations.**

**Hehe! I made all the words in the disclaimer start with C! Wow, that was hard. **

Matt and Mello were walking to their room. Mello turned to Matt. 'Hey, say Fort two times.'

Without even asking, Matt said 'Fort, fort.'

'K, now spell it twice.'

'F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T.'

'Say it twice.'

'Fort, fort.'

'What do you eat soup with?'

'Crackers.' He was totally serious.

'No! You're supposed to say fork! Fork, not crackers!'

'But, you can't eat soup with a fork. It wouldn't work.'

'It's a joke, Matt. I can't believe you said crackers. I don't really get why you would eat soup with crackers, anyway. There's no point to it. If there are a lot of crackers, it isn't really soup, it's more like mush. And why would you want mush. It's all mushy, because of the crackers. And, if I was going to eat something that was flat-ish, I would eat a cookie, not a cracker. A chocolate cookie. With big chocolate chips. Hey, maybe I could make a chocolate chip cracker! I would put _that_ in my soup anytime. It would be so good. And I would make the soup chocolate as well. And then I will give Near a chocolate chip cracker, but it would have poison in it, too. But not normal poison. No, this poison wouldn't kill him, it would just make him stupid. And he would remember back to when he was smart, and feel even _more_ stupid, and then he would kill himself. That would be the ultimate revenge.'

Matt interrupted Mello's train of thought. 'Why would you say fork? I don't get it!'

'Because you're stupid. You know what? I want candy. It's so good. Almost a substitute for chocolate. Except that there _is_ no substitute for chocolate, but it's still good. And whoever came up with the wrappers was pure genius. He wasn't azygous at all. I bet all he had to do to get girls would be to tell them that he invented wrappers for candy. It's not like they need tape or anything, they just twist shut. Then it's really easy to get them open. But, some candy wrappers are hard to open. I bet whoever invented those is totally azygous. And not azygous like I'm azygous, I mean azygous like the dictionary. I defiantly wouldn't want to be that person. But I _would_ want to be the person that invented the twist candy wrappers. Oh look! Candy!'

Mello bent down to pick up a candy from the floor. On the package, it said CANARY CREAMS. He popped it in his mouth, and instantly turned into a giant canary!

Near was outside their room, high-fiving two read haired twins.

After a few minutes, Mello returned into his normal, female-looking self. 'I can't believe I turned into a canary! Of all things to turn into, why a canary? They are so noisy! Always singing all the time. And they are small... and yellow... and they never shut up! It's a good thing that I'm not a canary all the time, because if I was, then I would drive everyone up the wall and they never would listen to me!' Matt sat on his bed, looked for a box under it, and grabbed two earplugs. Mello continued, nonetheless. 'Their all like "Look at me! I'm a canary!" And the worst thing about it is that they're not even azygous! They get girlfriends! I don't know how, but they do! I hate canaries. Die, canary, die! That's right, canary, you have been defeated! Now you go to canary prison!'

Anyone that watches Yugioh the abridged series will get the joke. Substitute Canary for Milkshake.


	4. Dinosaurs, Dialga and Dramatic

In the middle of the playroom, Near was playing with one of his many toys. He had a medium sized plastic brachiosaurus in his hand and was moving it along the floor making various sound effects.

Matt was also in the room, sitting on the couch playing a game on his DS. He had his headphones plugged in and on full blast.

Everything was calm. So obviously this is when Mello would suddenly appear out of no where and rant about anything that came to mind.

"Dinosaurs are stupid. You know why? Cause they're extinct. I mean, if they were actually smart at all, they would have figured out a way to survive. Like humans. If we could have survived this long, why couldn't dinosaurs. Also, why did they have to be so ugly? Maybe that's why they died; because they all were so ugly that they killed each other 'cause they couldn't stand looking at each other. Now, if all the dinosaurs were as sexy as I am, they probably would have been alive today."

"You do know that there are some species of dinosaur still alive right?" Near said, not looking up from his toy.

"Well duh! I wouldn't be a genius if I didn't know that! There's ones like alligators, turtles and… That one from Matt's pokey man game …. Diamond …Diaphragm …Dialogue…"

Matt opened his eyes wide, his headphones still blasting in his ears, "Did you just say Dialga?!"

"That's it, Dialga…" Mello stood for a second in thinking pose number 25. Which in his mind was thinking pose number 1 because whatever thinking pose he was in, he made it the best one. "I really don't get why it's still alive though because if I had this giant, blue and silver dinosaur thing I would probably kill it for being ugly. Just like all the other dinosaurs did to each other."

"But Mello, Dialga controls time… Why would anyone want to kill him?"

"It doesn't matter what it controls, its still ugly. Anyways, if it controls time, why doesn't everyone on your stupid Pocky-men game have one? They could all use it to go back in time to stop global warming, or stop Kira or even to stop that random person from accidentally spilling orange juice on there clothes making it look like they peed themselves! They would be used as slave labour! A cheap fix to all of humanities problems!"

"There's only one! That's the reason why it's a legendary Pokemon!" Matt said, the ear buds still blasting the game's soundtrack.

"Well then it's lame."

Matt huffed and went back to immersing himself completely into his game.

"Anyways, you don't have to be so dramatic. I mean, it would make sense if I was threatening to take your video games away. All I was saying was that if the stupid, not-my-butt-ugly Poke-'em-man in your Poke-'em-on game belonged to everyone, they would use it for pointless things! Seriously though, there's no need to be dramatic. If anyone should be dramatic, it would be me because I'm awesome and I'm the best! No matter WHAT Roger says…."

Near finally looked up at Mello and said bluntly, "You're already dramatic enough."

Glaring down at Near, Mello continued, "Well it's not my fault that you're jealous of my awesome dramatic-ness. Mind you, it would be even more dramatic if it started with an M… or maybe Mello! It will be called 'Melodramatic!' but with only one 'L' because I wouldn't want a whole bunch of 'melodramatic' fans coming up to me because they knew that I invented the word. No, just one 'L' would be good…"

Mello stared off into space, thinking of all the Near fangirls coming over to his side because of the new super-special-awesome word he had created.

Near promptly took the chance to deflate Mello's ego even more, "Mello… I hope that you realize that you just created a word that already existed in the English language."

Mello frowned "How do you know? Maybe it's not a real word and I just made it up! Do you still read the dictionary for fun? Because I know that I don't… And never will!"

"That just proves that you'll never be as smart as me," Near shuffled out of the room, his dinosaur still in his hand.

"Fine then! I didn't want to talk to you in the first place!" Mello huffed, "Melodramatic isn't a word yet… Is it Matt?" He looked over to where Matt was sitting and saw that there was no one.

"Fine!" Mello yelled, "I'll go be melodramatic by myself!"


End file.
